Of recent I have been contemplating taking this blog site to a new level. Advertise, promoting and trying to convince others that my voice is worthy enough to be heard. For an introvert such as myself doing such a thing is quite vulnerable to say the least, yet if you are passionate about something (like I am about philosophy and connecting with others) then such means are worthwhile. The chance of it becoming big are unlikely, yet hey, why not give it a shot?
Slowly I have been putting together a Youtube channel, a new video release and of course the next addition to the podcasts which is really exciting. Well, it was exciting till life caught up with me.
Part of my journey of self-discovery is about noticing old wounding and facing them head on. Over the past two years I have reached into the depths of my psychology and yanked out the nasty parts (otherwise known as wounding’s) and cleared them one by one. It hasn’t been easy, and many times I wonder why I do it, yet after suffering from depression for twenty-five years I have now seen positive shifts. I also no longer consider myself a depressant.
This all being said, after twenty-five years of self-deprivation, insecurity, anxiety, shame, self-abuse and the ultimate feelings of loneliness, the two years of clearing, awakening, meditation and philosophy, although amazing, have not cleared everything. Despite the fact that within this journey (if such a thing exists) I have broken down many walls, it does not mean that I don’t have my bad days or weeks. My greatest wounding’s still exists.
Being single is difficult, being 37 and single is even worse. There is a great joke that I found on the internet a while ago which states ‘dating after 40 is easy, it’s like riding a bike. Except the bike is on fire, the ground is on fire, everything is on fire because you’re in hell’. Now I’m not 40 though it is getting close and being such a tactile individual that expresses his love through touch, whilst simultaneously isolating himself by focusing on ten projects at once, this can become a challenge. You didn’t think that all of these podcasts, videos and blogs wrote themselves did you?
My recent relationship attempt (and blunder) alongside 2 other coincidental circumstances (if there is such a thing) brought my downfall a couple of weeks ago. I, after all my studies, know that this is just a temporary emotionally shift, and therefore I was able to dive into the wounding like I normally do.
Emotions that came up for me were shame, loss, being used, being manipulated, being worthless, lonely, isolated and insecure. I was also able to express my frustration and I tried to clear it. The endeavour was successful in that I found my emotional triggers, where the emotions link back to in my past, and why they had arisen. This being said I was not able to clear all of the junk out of my trunk… Not this time… Not yet…
My insecure moment brought hatred, anger and frustration. I focused my rage into 9-5 work productivity, many reflective fast walks, over exercising and exhaustion. It was satisfying in a very none satisfying way. Yet let me get to some type of point before I waffle on.
I continued with my research into becoming a future public speaker, visionary, entrepreneur or whatever you want to call it. I decided to go online and look at how others promoted themselves. I liked many of their pages and also looked at their memes and video posts. In hindsight I should not have done this whilst being is such an emotional and sensitive state, yet at least I got to write a blog out of it.
In short, I was pissed! Albeit that there were a couple of public speakers that had beautiful messages my egoic projection found the rest disconcerting. I watched countless video’s and read many self-promotions that were dogmatic in their processes. These seemingly perfect individuals which oozed confidence were telling people that THIS IS THE ONE WAY TO LIVE, ‘and by the way, make sure you press like on my page and subscribe.’ It made me sick to the stomach. These twenty five year old’s in dignified business suits or downscaled clothing (to show that they are just like everyone else) topped off with Lamborghini’s, not a hair out of place, walking around their rich mansions were giving messages that clearly showed little life experience… And now…. Take a deep breath.
I know everything that I just wrote in that last sentence was egotistical and harsh yet obviously, being emotional and angry at the time, this is how I took it. I’ll take a brief moment to say that each person has the right to their own point of view and is a beautiful little butterfly. And now that I have made this disclaiming, it’s time to rip the wings off of these butterflies once again 🙂
I projected my insecurities onto these speakers. I felt like they had read the books about life and yet had not experienced the journey. It’s like when a person that has not experienced depression tells someone with depression to ‘just snap out of it’. Or when those who have been in relationships for many years tell people in their late thirties that the one for them is just around the corner… Ahmmm… The messages from these speakers felt dogmatic and egoic in the way they were delivered. Yet what had me most baffled was that their messages were working. They had millions of followers and each message had hundreds of likes.
Naturally this took my emotional state to a new level. Are you ready for me to rant??? Because here I go…
I looked at how long I had survived on my own, my travels around the world to find inner peace, the hundreds of dates I had been on, the twenty years of depression that almost brought the end to my life, the twenty-five jobs, the 3 year dedication to be the best person I could be whilst on this earth, the time I was broke and almost ending up on the streets in London, the hostel room I lived in for 3 months because I was poor which had 18 others sharing the same room, the time I almost drowned in Spain, the moment when I was running for my life at 2am in the morning down the back streets of India, my internal challenge which lead to breaking into hippy festivals, the time I was an alcoholic rock musician and book writer and so on and so forth. Phhewwww… So in short, who were these people to tell others what to do.. But then it hit me…
It is at this point that I snapped into observer mode and out of my trance. Who am I to judge them? And furthermore, who am I to say that I am any better? Maybe these specific speakers do have these pristine lives, yet it could be because they have worked hard for it. Their probably amazing people! And then of course, we all walk our own journey and have our own demons. Who am I to place my experiences above others as they might have been through MUCH worse than I have. In fact, if I am the one judging them with such negativity then it is not them that is the fraud. It is me…
I… am… the fraud.
One thing that I have realised over my life is that my own morals and values are ridiculously high, and asking others to meet the same expectations that I expect of myself is unfair and set’s everyone else to fail. Furthermore, most judgements of others in life are actually a reflection of oneself. Therefore I have taken the knowledge from this emotional outburst and added it to the pile of things that I need to clear.
Through this experience I have been reminded as to why I begun The Lonely Spaceman page in the first place. It wasn’t to teach and it certainly wasn’t to preach. It was to log down the experiences that I was having whilst I was tearing down my own walls of limitations after my awakening two years ago. Every lesson I learn I note down and put on this site. And just maybe, there might be a case where other individuals start off as confused as I was. And possibly, these people might be able to reflect, empathise and feel less lonely in their own pursuit of understanding life. This site was about connecting and understanding various points of views, not telling others what is right and what is wrong. The reflection that I got from those entrepreneurs was not a judgement on them, but a reminder for myself to stay true to my own beliefs.
As vulnerable as it has been to open myself up, show my imperfections and air my dirty laundry via this blog, I thought it was important to let others know that I am human. I respect the entrepreneurs and speakers, I really do. They work hard and they are making a positive difference in people’s lives which is commendable. I have a lot to learn from them, and I have so much love and respect for their efforts. Reading their pages has reminded me that despite what image we put up, we are all vulnerable. No one sees the extremes on Facebook when the only pictures we post are glazed over perfections of what we perceive is a happy existence. Yet no one has all the answers and no one gets it right all of the time. I acknowledge my mistakes and trust me, I make a freaking lot of them.
I want to extend special thanks to the closest around me that have been open enough over the years to tell me when they think I am wrong and to share their points of view. I promise to continue to listen and learn from you all whilst giving patience and respect for your wisdom. I am lucky to have you all in my life and I appreciate all of those who have had the patience to read this blog. I always want to remain the student as I am surrounded by the world’s best teachers. Thank you so much…
Love, The Lonely Spaceman