Interlude, I’m a Fraud

Of recent I have been contemplating taking this blog site to a new level. Advertise, promoting and trying to convince others that my voice is worthy enough to be heard. For an introvert such as myself doing such a thing is quite vulnerable to say the least, yet if you are passionate about something (like I am about philosophy and connecting with others) then such means are worthwhile. The chance of it becoming big are unlikely, yet hey, why not give it a shot?

Slowly I have been putting together a Youtube channel, a new video release and of course the next addition to the podcasts which is really exciting. Well, it was exciting till life caught up with me.

Part of my journey of self-discovery is about noticing old wounding and facing them head on. Over the past two years I have reached into the depths of my psychology and yanked out the nasty parts (otherwise known as wounding’s) and cleared them one by one. It hasn’t been easy, and many times I wonder why I do it, yet after suffering from depression for twenty-five years I have now seen positive shifts. I also no longer consider myself a depressant.

This all being said, after twenty-five years of self-deprivation, insecurity, anxiety, shame, self-abuse and the ultimate feelings of loneliness, the two years of clearing, awakening, meditation and philosophy, although amazing, have not cleared everything. Despite the fact that within this journey (if such a thing exists) I have broken down many walls, it does not mean that I don’t have my bad days or weeks. My greatest wounding’s still exists.

Being single is difficult, being 37 and single is even worse. There is a great joke that I found on the internet a while ago which states ‘dating after 40 is easy, it’s like riding a bike. Except the bike is on fire, the ground is on fire, everything is on fire because you’re in hell’. Now I’m not 40 though it is getting close and being such a tactile individual that expresses his love through touch, whilst simultaneously isolating himself by focusing on ten projects at once, this can become a challenge. You didn’t think that all of these podcasts, videos and blogs wrote themselves did you?

My recent relationship attempt (and blunder) alongside 2 other coincidental circumstances (if there is such a thing) brought my downfall a couple of weeks ago. I, after all my studies, know that this is just a temporary emotionally shift, and therefore I was able to dive into the wounding like I normally do.

Emotions that came up for me were shame, loss, being used, being manipulated, being worthless, lonely, isolated and insecure. I was also able to express my frustration and I tried to clear it. The endeavour was successful in that I found my emotional triggers, where the emotions link back to in my past, and why they had arisen. This being said I was not able to clear all of the junk out of my trunk… Not this time… Not yet…

My insecure moment brought hatred, anger and frustration. I focused my rage into 9-5 work productivity, many reflective fast walks, over exercising and exhaustion. It was satisfying in a very none satisfying way. Yet let me get to some type of point before I waffle on.

I continued with my research into becoming a future public speaker, visionary, entrepreneur or whatever you want to call it. I decided to go online and look at how others promoted themselves. I liked many of their pages and also looked at their memes and video posts. In hindsight I should not have done this whilst being is such an emotional and sensitive state, yet at least I got to write a blog out of it.

In short, I was pissed! Albeit that there were a couple of public speakers that had beautiful messages my egoic projection found the rest disconcerting. I watched countless video’s and read many self-promotions that were dogmatic in their processes. These seemingly perfect individuals which oozed confidence were telling people that THIS IS THE ONE WAY TO LIVE, ‘and by the way, make sure you press like on my page and subscribe.’ It made me sick to the stomach. These twenty five year old’s in dignified business suits or downscaled clothing (to show that they are just like everyone else) topped off with Lamborghini’s, not a hair out of place, walking around their rich mansions were giving messages that clearly showed little life experience… And now…. Take a deep breath.

I know everything that I just wrote in that last sentence was egotistical and harsh yet obviously, being emotional and angry at the time, this is how I took it. I’ll take a brief moment to say that each person has the right to their own point of view and is a beautiful little butterfly. And now that I have made this disclaiming, it’s time to rip the wings off of these butterflies once again 🙂

I projected my insecurities onto these speakers. I felt like they had read the books about life and yet had not experienced the journey. It’s like when a person that has not experienced depression tells someone with depression to ‘just snap out of it’. Or when those who have been in relationships for many years tell people in their late thirties that the one for them is just around the corner… Ahmmm…  The messages from these speakers felt dogmatic and egoic in the way they were delivered. Yet what had me most baffled was that their messages were working. They had millions of followers and each message had hundreds of likes.

Naturally this took my emotional state to a new level. Are you ready for me to rant??? Because here I go…

I looked at how long I had survived on my own, my travels around the world to find inner peace, the hundreds of dates I had been on, the twenty years of depression that almost brought the end to my life, the twenty-five jobs, the 3 year dedication to be the best person I could be whilst on this earth, the time I was broke and almost ending up on the streets in London, the hostel room I  lived in for 3 months because I was poor which had 18 others sharing the same room, the time I almost drowned in Spain, the moment when I was running for my life at 2am in the morning down the back streets of India, my internal challenge which lead to breaking into hippy festivals, the time I was an alcoholic rock musician and book writer and so on and so forth. Phhewwww… So in short, who were these people to tell others what to do.. But then it hit me…

It is at this point that I snapped into observer mode and out of my trance. Who am I to judge them? And furthermore, who am I to say that I am any better? Maybe these specific speakers do have these pristine lives, yet it could be because they have worked hard for it. Their probably amazing people! And then of course, we all walk our own journey and have our own demons. Who am I to place my experiences above others as they might have been through MUCH worse than I have. In fact, if I am the one judging them with such negativity then it is not them that is the fraud. It is me…

I… am… the fraud.

One thing that I have realised over my life is that my own morals and values are ridiculously high, and asking others to meet the same expectations that I expect of myself is unfair and set’s everyone else to fail. Furthermore, most judgements of others in life are actually a reflection of oneself. Therefore I have taken the knowledge from this emotional outburst and added it to the pile of things that I need to clear.

Through this experience I have been reminded as to why I begun The Lonely Spaceman page in the first place. It wasn’t to teach and it certainly wasn’t to preach. It was to log down the experiences that I was having whilst I was tearing down my own walls of limitations after my awakening two years ago. Every lesson I learn I note down and put on this site. And just maybe, there might be a case where other individuals start off as confused as I was. And possibly, these people might be able to reflect, empathise and feel less lonely in their own pursuit of understanding life. This site was about connecting and understanding various points of views, not telling others what is right and what is wrong. The reflection that I got from those entrepreneurs was not a judgement on them, but a reminder for myself to stay true to my own beliefs.

As vulnerable as it has been to open myself up, show my imperfections and air my dirty laundry via this blog, I thought it was important to let others know that I am human. I respect the entrepreneurs and speakers, I really do. They work hard and they are making a positive difference in people’s lives which is commendable. I have a lot to learn from them, and I have so much love and respect for their efforts. Reading their pages has reminded me that despite what image we put up, we are all vulnerable. No one sees the extremes on Facebook when the only pictures we post are glazed over perfections of what we perceive is a happy existence. Yet no one has all the answers and no one gets it right all of the time. I acknowledge my mistakes and trust me, I make a freaking lot of them.

I want to extend special thanks to the closest around me that have been open enough over the years to tell me when they think I am wrong and to share their points of view. I promise to continue to listen and learn from you all whilst giving patience and respect for your wisdom. I am lucky to have you all in my life and I appreciate all of those who have had the patience to read this blog. I always want to remain the student as I am surrounded by the world’s best teachers. Thank you so much…

Love, The Lonely Spaceman

I'm a Fraud Jamie Lee Woodman a.k.a The Lonely Spaceman

Steven Smith, Kinesiology and Living Off-Grid

Today I introduce one of Australia’s greatest minds Steven Smith. This is his first Youtube Interview so I thought it prudent for you to get to know the man himself before I hit him with the hard questions.

Steven Smith’s work with kinesiology and self development is one of the best I have ever seen. I know because he has worked on me personally and the results have been outstanding. You can get in touch with him via… or contact myself and I will give you more direct information.

There will be more posts with Steve available soon and the first question I will ask him will be ‘what is the meaning of life?’

The Lonely Spaceman Youtube Channel

That’s Right!!! The face that was made for radio has turned up on Youtube, though there is a good reason for it.

During the creation of The Lonely Spaceman Podcasts I interview some of the greatest minds in Australia. These people give amazing answers to some of the biggest questions human kind has ever asked. Yet to make podcasts flow there is a lot of editing which is required and therefore a lot of information is left out.

The Lonely Spaceman Youtube channel will show the complete Interviews from start to finish. Yet to make it easy to navigate (and so you don’t have to sit through 2 hours of speaking) I have cut the interview down to each individualized question.

Today’s release is a simple explanation of why The Lonely Spaceman project exists and why the Youtube channel has been created. Yet later this week I will be releasing my interview with Steven Smith who talks about Perception and Focus. Speaking of which, the first installment of the Podcast about Perception and Focus will also be released soon.

This is just the beginning of many larger things to come, so put on your philosophy cap and let’s get into the greatest mysteries of life, the universe and everything.

Chapter 4 Part 7. The Future, the Grandfather Paradox and Self-love

Although the grandfather paradox is mostly about the past it also effect’s the future in many ways. As for how it links to self-love, well you will have to read till the end of the blog to find that out.

Firstly, what is the grandfather paradox?

Let’s imagine that time travel is possible. You decide to travel back into the past and meet your relatives when they were young. One day you inadvertently kill your grandfather. This of course creates a paradox. If you kill your grandfather then you yourself will never be born, in which case you will never exist to travel back in time and kill your grandfather in the first place.

It’s like Marty McFly’s creepy photo in ‘Back to the Future’ where all the kids start disappearing because their mother and father never hook up. But of course, that film never dealt with the fact that Marty could have never of traveled back in time to break-up his parents if he was never born in the first place. You can’t blame the Hollywood for leaving that information out.

For many scientists the grandfather paradox is an example of why traveling back in time will never be possible. This said, if you really want to get nerdy, you can look into parallel universes to get around the paradox. Therefore when you travel back in time you are not actually traveling to your own history but instead a parallel version of it. You might state that the alternate reality has the same paradox, though in the world of quantum mechanics particles often do things in parallel. This is called quantum supervision. And as particles make up our reality it does lead us to believe that such a thing is plausible.

And…….. Take a breath…

Although I would love to go into science in more depth, I am leaving such discussions for a later chapter on quantum mechanics. Let’s instead get straight to the point.

Traveling back in time doesn’t just affect your own life, it affects life itself. One little change can begin a ripple which will alternate the course of humanity. Sure, it won’t necessarily be the difference between a world war and ultimate peace on Earth, though it can affect who is born, who is not, and most importantly, it will affect all of those whose lives you care about. So when you look at the scale of your daily crappy life don’t be upset, according to chaos theory you could have just caused world peace whilst buying your soy milk latte.

There you go, feel good about yourself for a moment and come back soon.

I talked about Karma in the last blog though I didn’t go into depth on how our existence is a reflection of ourselves. When we give kindness, when we radiate self-love and contentment, and we do this not because we are trying to prove a point (I found this out the hard way) but because this is the mindset we live in, our reflection radiates through our reality. And what is reality but a reflection from our own perception and beliefs? This is how Karma works. Whatever ripple we project outwards quite often comes back to us in the same way. Not always, but more often than none.

To notice reflections and to see where we are going in the future it is not a matter of forward planning but instead of presence and awareness. If we want something in the future it will continue to remain in the future. But if we look at what we are trying to obtain, and then we try to understand the emotions that lay behind our desires, we can bring our future goals to our present moment.

This is very similar to how self-love works. If you look at what you think you will gain from having a partner/career or community you will see what emotions you are missing in the present. By noticing the happier and/or more successful person that you believe you will become from your achievements you will see what emotions you are missing in the present. By being aware of the hole within your conscience that craves overeating, partners, drugs, ways to constantly fill up your time, objects, gadgets and an overwhelming requirement to impress others, it leads you to the emotions you are missing in the present. Self-love is not about waiting till you have ALL of these things before you appreciate life. It’s about feeling it now. And this is why the future is often discussed as an illusion.

They say that when you have self-love (and therefore are content) a lover finds you the next day. So how does this work? It’s because there is nothing sexier, appealing and more attractive than a person that doesn’t give a shit. A person with self-acceptance, their own purpose and an ability to be in the present moment is what society yearns for. We think its confidence and success, yet it is nothing more than a person who accepts who they are and where they are in life. They are not rushing around, nor are they living in the past or the future. They are present, they are at peace, and they notice the small things that make life worth-while.

Now this chapter did not mean to state that you shouldn’t buy an Ipod, that fancy car or a new house. Living in a temple praying all day is not the existence many of us desire. Though stepping back and viewing the undue pressure we place on ourselves to always be somewhere else is worth contemplating. And maybe, just maybe, by looking into what emotions we want in our future, we can bring those feeling to the present. Because the future will one day be now, and when that occurs do you really think that you will be finally satisfied? Or at that time will you still be thinking about what you need next?

The future IS now, so unless you want to spend the rest of your life chasing ghosts it’s worth bringing the future to the present. Your dreams, your desires and your freedom from a never ending cycle begin here. It’s time to stop chasing and finally start living. It’s time to be present.

I wish you all peace, self-love and a content life.

Love, the lonely spaceman

Self-love Jamie Lee Woodman a.k.a The Lonely Spaceman